I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
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Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup