I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
This trial is so absurd 😭
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*