I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
You Might Also Like
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My typo game is string.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late