I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
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-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Pretty much. 🤣
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Animal poetry