I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
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Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most