I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
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My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.