I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
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My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Good morning y’all ☀️
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth