I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
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“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Education is vital
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
going to bed
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Rooting for the overdog
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?