I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.