Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
You Might Also Like
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Yup
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL