@ibid78

“I sound nothing like that when I cry.” -doves

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@Wuttercuerk

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

@chuuew

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

@edawg_eric

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

@athleisure_monk

PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.

PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.

@Quartzjixler

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

@TheGladStork

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

@junejuly12

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear