@ibid78

“I sound nothing like that when I cry.” -doves

You Might Also Like

@CornOnTheGoblin

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

@peterjames48

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

@UncleDuke1969

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

@PimpleEye

You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.

@jjhartinger

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

@doctorveritas

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

@ShrugLord

It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day

@MikeZakarian

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

@MartaEffing

A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it.

“I’ll take the maple bar, please.”

@ElleOhHell

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”