Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

that colleague who touches your screen

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud