I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
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I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Yeah. This was me today.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.