Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.