Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

choose your gary

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Me as a therapist: omg same

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.