Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.