Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

The cycle continues

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Ladies, why y’all do this?

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me