I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
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Welcome to the stomach
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Always
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?