I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15