Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

April 1st is the class clown of days.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home