I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
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Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
You’ll be OK
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system