Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

This meeting could have been a cake

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

I…do not understand how electricity works.

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

LOL

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

And now we wait

Bruh PLEASE

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.