Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.