I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
You Might Also Like
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC