I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago