I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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They did not miss in the small print
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.