I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
You Might Also Like
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians