Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.