I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
tell em, edith-anne
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*