Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Warm pools make me nervous.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

The Weeknd is back

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?