Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Never forget.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.