Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

Namaste

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

man i love columbo

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version