I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!