I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.