Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

Worth a try

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

me after drinking all the wine:

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.