I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Well well well…
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
This trial is so absurd 😭
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school