I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
No one:
London landlords:
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off