I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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that colleague who touches your screen
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”