I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
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We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester