I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
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when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
relationship goals
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.