Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.