I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
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cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.