Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth