I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
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DOOO EEEET
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”