Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

Netflix and scream at our children?!

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

.. do you even science?

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes