I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
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ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
mom had nothing to worry about
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”