I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
You Might Also Like
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.