I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
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My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
3% human
97% stress
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
oh my gosh!!
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
This meal prepping shit is easy
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator