Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.