I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
#titanic
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament