I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
The United Steaks of America
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Unexpected Judgment
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I hydrated. Surrender now.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]