I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!