I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate