Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
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Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
New Tinder profile.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.