I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
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Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.