Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.