I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
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teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
asking santa clause for nudes
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
This dude got his own movie?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.