Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

tinder is all about the long game

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”