I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
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Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight