I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
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Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
men, we mow at sunrise.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.