Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

#IWishIHadNever noticed

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.