I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
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We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one