I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Siri: Retweet me.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.