I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
You Might Also Like
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.