I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
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The asteroid..
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take