i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
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You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or