Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the mess in domestic.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

A recipe for laughter

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

IT’S-A ME,

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.