I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
You Might Also Like
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Smells like a challenge to me
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
the rocks need my help
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there