Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

Growing out my freckles.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Very good news from my accountant

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face