Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

Make new friends? bro out of what?

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

ㅤ

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong