I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
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I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I’ve been learning to cook.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now