“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.
I saw a butterfly.
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my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.
Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
“FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!…” – Honey Boo Boo’s teachers her senior year of high school
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Imagine me riding a bike.
There’s no seat.