I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I think this cat is broken
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Wait for it
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?