I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
