I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Woke up against my better judgment again
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
