Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics