I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
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ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Good morning!
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
How all things should be taught/explained.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.