Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

When I laugh on my period

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET