I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
#parenting
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.